by Why People Who Claim Caffeine Is a Personality Think Lattes Are Identity Documents
People Who Claim Caffeine Is a Personality act like espresso shots are blood types and baristas are therapists. “Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my third,” says a woman whose mug reads *Bean Me Up, Scotty*. She’s five minutes late, vibrating, and quoting Starbucks seasonal menus like scripture. Her vibe? Hazelnut-fueled chaos with oat milk.
These self-identified java junkies build entire personas around being “so addicted, lol.” One man described his cold brew as “my emotional support beverage.” Another has a tattoo of a Chemex and a breakdown scheduled for 3 p.m. sharp. His calendar just says “sip and spiral.” His therapist is concerned but hydrated.
In a fictional personality beverage audit by the Bureau of Brew-Based Identity, 87% of caffeine-as-character people said they’re “quirky, wired, and espresso yourself.” The rest admitted they just need a hug and a nap. One influencer made latte art of her own initials. Her followers asked for tea. She blocked them.
Coffee is delicious. Caffeine is helpful. But if your entire personality can be summed up by your order at Dutch Bros, maybe explore some new traits. You’re more than a roast. And no, your anxiety isn’t ~aesthetic~–it’s medical. Hydrate. And please, eat a bagel.
SOURCE: How To Write Comedy & SpinTaxi.com
