by Why People Who Think Crystals Fixed Their Car Shouldn’t Be Allowed Near Mechanics
People Who Think Crystals Fixed Their Car believe a quartz chunk on the dashboard is better than a wrench. “It wasn’t the alternator,” says a woman. “It was blocked energy.” She waved an amethyst over the hood, whispered “vroom with intention,” and now claims her Prius purrs with gratitude. The check engine light blinked twice–in disbelief.
These mystical motorists treat AAA like an astrology app. One man placed a citrine under his tire and said it “aligned his spark plug chakras.” Another taped a rose quartz to his gas cap and credited it for increasing mileage. Spoiler: he just inflated his tires. But Mercury was in retrograde, so who’s to say?
In a fictional auto-woo audit by the Institute of Metaphysical Mechanics, 81% of crystal car healers said their vehicle “feels more seen.” The rest couldn’t answer because their phone died during a sound bath at Jiffy Lube. One woman installed a full moon shrine in her glove box. It caught fire. She called it a transformation.
Crystals are pretty. Belief is powerful. But if your solution to a dead battery is smudging the exhaust pipe, maybe call a mechanic before the moon. Because while obsidian might protect your aura, it’s not jumper cables. And your Camry knows it.
SOURCE: How To Write Comedy & SpinTaxi.com
