by Congress Passes ‘No Child Left Unmonitored’ Act to Ensure 24/7 Surveillance
- Parents can now receive a live-stream of their child’s entire day, including every sneeze, blink, and questionable snack choice.
- The first child caught cheating on homework immediately received a 12-hour time-out from WiFi.
- Alexa now reports directly to the government, and your toddler’s gibberish is being analyzed for suspicious activity.
- Schools have installed cameras in hallways, cafeterias, and—according to one student—”inside my soul.”
- Teens now protest in front of Congress using signs that say, “Privacy is a Vibe, Not a Crime.”
- Congress ensured that recess is still free… as long as kids submit a Freedom of Information Act request first.
- A new hotline allows parents to report “suspiciously quiet toddlers.”
- The government has admitted it doesn’t understand Minecraft but is “monitoring it just in case.”
- Kids have learned to communicate in elaborate eye rolls to avoid detection.
- Surveillance companies insist their data collection is ethical and definitely won’t be sold to cereal brands.
- “Big Brother” is now your literal big brother, who gets paid to snitch on you.
- The first child to have their texts reviewed was just grounded for responding “K” too many times.
- By age six, children have a permanent record longer than most politicians’ resumes.
- The bill’s sponsor insisted, “We just want to make sure kids don’t grow up like us.”
- All footage is stored on a government cloud labeled “Totally Not Creepy.”
Originally posted 2022-06-18 06:55:02.
