by A Humorous Guide to Who We Are Before the Caffeine Hits
Before coffee, you’re a cryptid in pajama pants mumbling at a toaster. After coffee, you’re a functioning member of society with opinions, sentences, and enough energy to pretend you care about meetings. Welcome to the wild jungle of Pre-Coffee Personalities.
- You start your day communicating exclusively in grunts and gestures, like a bear trying to file taxes.
- Your reflection before caffeine looks like it’s trying to escape the mirror and call HR.
- You’ve typed entire emails where every word was “coffee.” Your boss replied, “Same.”
- Your pets hide until the mug clinks. They’ve seen things. They know better.
- You’ve yelled at a teabag. It wasn’t even yours. You were just angry at its calm.
- Your coworkers know not to speak until they hear the sacred hiss of the Keurig.
- You’ve stared blankly into the fridge for seven minutes, forgot why, and then tried to brew soup in the coffee maker.
- You put your keys in the freezer and your dignity in the trash. All before 8 a.m.
- Your “morning routine” is 90% staring into the void and 10% trying to put socks on without sitting down.
- You believe in caffeine like it’s a religion. And your mug is the holy chalice.
Pre-Coffee Personalities: because some of us are not “morning people,” we are “people who survive mornings through chemical intervention.”
SOURCE: How To Write Comedy & SpinTaxi.com
