by Why Worshippers of Oat Milk Think It’s a Personality, Not a Beverage
Worshippers of Oat Milk treat their creamy beige elixir like holy water from the Church of Barista Blessings. “It’s just better,” they whisper, staring down anyone clutching 2%. One guy referred to dairy milk as “the original toxin.” Another woman cried when her local café ran out of Oatly. She called it a “spiritual betrayal.”
These plant-based prophets proselytize in cafes and comment sections. “Almond milk is oppression,” says a man in a tote bag that reads “Milk Was a Mistake.” He brews his own oat milk at home and once tried to ferment it into yogurt. It exploded. He called it a lesson in resilience.
In a fictional food trend report by the Institute of Beverage Identity Studies, 83% of oat milk loyalists said it “represents who they are as people.” The rest were experimenting with pistachio milk but feared social exile. One influencer tattooed “Oat Milk Only” on her wrist and hosts a podcast called *Latte Liberation*.
Oat milk is tasty. But if you’re defining your moral compass by how your creamer was sourced, maybe step back. It’s a drink, not doctrine. And sometimes, it’s okay to order what tastes good–even if it came from a cow. Gasp.
SOURCE: How To Write Comedy & SpinTaxi.com
