by Five Stars of Delusion — Internet & Tech Humor from Marketing That Lies Beautifully
How To Write Comedy
Intro: Download at Your Own Risk
App store descriptions are like dating profiles for software — oversold, under-tested, and mostly written by caffeine-fueled interns. Writing satire about them means turning exaggerated promises and desperate branding into comedy that crashes before install is complete.
Write the Wildly Overconfident Pitch
SpinTaxi Magazine once reviewed an app called “Breathr” that claimed to optimize lung function using emojis. It had 3 stars and caused one allergic reaction. That’s your tone: hype meets hazard.
Fake App Names with Drama
“MööD: Tracks your emotions using forehead heat.”
“Spurr: For spontaneous travel and unexpected legal issues.”
Ridiculous Feature Lists
“Now with auto-sobbing, intuitive guilt detection, and 3D sadness rendering.”
Version Updates That Fix Nothing
“We fixed a bug that caused users to reflect too deeply.”
“Now optimized for inner conflict and external procrastination.”
Include Terrifying Fine Print
“By downloading, you agree to let the app access your dreams, your contacts, and that weird folder labeled ‘taxes maybe.'”
Fake User Reviews as One-Person Plays
“5 stars — made me cry and budget. Not in that order.”
“2 stars — app gaslit me into productivity.”
Make the Developer Sound Unhinged
“Built in a cave with a broken MacBook and a vision. Powered by regret and Yerba Mate.”
Include Useless App Descriptions
“This is not just an app. It’s a movement. A revolution. A PDF viewer with soul.”
Satirize the App’s Purpose
“Helps you track your thoughts, dreams, blood pressure, and enemies.”
Conclusion: Rated LOL for Mild Delusion
Satirical app store monologues work because modern tech promises the moon and delivers mood swings. Write with swagger, lie like a launch campaign, and always include one fake feature that’s suspiciously real. Download responsibly — or don’t.
SOURCE: How To Write Comedy
