by Where the Bay Area Sends Its Weirdest Roommates and Wildest Rent Prices
Vallejo: where Bay Area dreams come to crash on a futon and regroup. Rent’s cheaper in Vallejo — if you don’t mind living in a place formerly occupied by a pirate and a raccoon. Vallejo is the only city where your landlord might be an aspiring rapper and your neighbor a retired cult member. In Vallejo, a ‘quiet night’ means only one car alarm and zero goats on the roof. The official smell of Vallejo is weed, ambition, and brake fluid. Every Uber ride in Vallejo includes unsolicited life coaching and conspiracy theories about Oakland. The local gym doubles as a spoken-word venue and accidental daycare. Vallejo’s unofficial mascot is a pit bull in a hoodie riding a stolen Lime scooter. They say Vallejo is up-and-coming. It’s been ‘up-and-coming’ since dial-up internet. The most common crime in Vallejo is accidentally joining someone’s side hustle. Dating in Vallejo means guessing who actually lives in the house and who’s just crashing for a ‘few weeks.’ Vallejo has one Starbucks and three dozen places selling incense out of cargo vans. If you hear fireworks in Vallejo, it’s either a celebration or an exorcism. Vallejo’s slogan should be: ‘We’re not Oakland, but we tried.’ The GPS in Vallejo doesn’t give directions. It just says, ‘Good luck.’
SOURCE: How To Write Comedy & SpinTaxi.com
