by Why Slow Walkers With Opinions Think Sidewalks Are TED Stages
Slow Walkers With Opinions treat sidewalks like runways for unsolicited hot takes. “Here’s the thing about gender-neutral pasta,” they say, shuffling at a pace that could be outpaced by moss. One man blocked an entire stairwell while explaining crypto ethics. He wore flip-flops. The elevator cried.
These pavement philosophers combine glacial speed with maximal volume. One woman monologued about astrology while crossing five city blocks in twenty minutes. Another guy explained the failure of late-stage capitalism while narrowly avoiding a rogue scooter and several eye rolls. His reusable tote was full of avocados and audacity.
In a fictional pedestrian flow report by the Institute of Spatial Narcissism, 85% of opinionated slow walkers believed they were “improving the discourse.” The other 15% were too busy describing their “personal pace journey” to notice the seven people bottlenecked behind them. One even live-tweeted his thoughts while jaywalking. He was hit by irony.
Public walking is not a podcast. If your gait is slower than your argument about oat milk privilege, maybe step aside. The rest of us have places to be–and no interest in your theory on artisanal soap gentrification. Pick up the pace or pick a quieter sidewalk. Your TED Talk can wait.
SOURCE: How To Write Comedy & SpinTaxi.com
