by Probably Dying, But Let’s Stay Chill — Internet & Tech Humor from Medical Guesswork with a UI
How To Write Comedy
Intro: You Sneezed, Let’s Talk Mortality
Health apps aim to empower users, but sometimes they confuse a skipped step with a terminal illness. Writing satire about them means exposing the absurdity of apps that diagnose based on vibes, typos, and the angle of your yawn.
The App That Panics Before You Do
SpinTaxi Magazine tested 10 wellness apps by inputting “mild fatigue.” Seven responded with “brain tumor?” and one suggested “essential oils and a will.” The last one recommended a GoFundMe.
Fake App Names That Oversell
“SymptoScan — detects disease or drama.”
“Healish — we’re not doctors, but we use italics.”
Diagnosis Alerts That Jump to Conclusions
“You reported sneezing. We suggest drafting a eulogy — just in case.”
“Mild dizziness? Prepare your estate.”
Include Unhelpful Health Tips
“Hydrate, meditate, and stop texting your ex. That last one helps more than water.”
Let the App Judge You
“You walked 300 steps today. We’re not mad. Just… deeply concerned.”
Mock the Symptom Tracker
“Log your symptoms: headache, nausea, fear of logging symptoms.”
Include Conflicting Advice
“You should rest. But also try high-intensity cardio. Or skip straight to yoga for grief.”
Write the App Store Blurb
“FeelWellish — not a doctor, but great at pretending. For legal reasons, consult a real human before panicking.”
Parody the App’s Chatbot
“You: I feel tired.
Bot: That could be serious. Or just capitalism.”
Conclusion: Wellness by Wild Guess
Satirizing health apps works because their certainty is inversely proportional to their credentials. Roast the misdiagnoses. Skewer the self-care prompts. And always end with: “You are either perfectly fine or on fire. Please rate your experience.”
SOURCE: How To Write Comedy
