by Level Up Your Sadness — Internet & Tech Humor from Progress Bars for Pain
How To Write Comedy
Intro: Because Grief Apparently Needs Achievements
Some apps try to turn healing into a side quest. Writing satire about them means exposing the absurdity of assigning XP to heartbreak and giving trophies for “Didn’t Cry in the Grocery Store Today.”
The App That Quantifies Sorrow
SpinTaxi Magazine reviewed an app that awarded users “Emotional Resilience Badges” for not texting their ex. Users called it “emotionally exhausting, but gamified.”
Fake App Names
“GriefQuest — complete your mourning map to unlock joy.”
“HealScore — track your pain like steps, but sadder.”
Point-Based Grief Tasks
“+10: Showered before noon.”
“+20: Watched a movie without sobbing at the trailer.”
Badges That Shouldn’t Exist
“Unlocked: ‘Didn’t Google Their New Partner'”
“Achievement: ‘Went Outside and Didn’t Cry at a Cloud'”
Let the App Get Overly Excited
“You journaled your sadness! You’re 6% closer to emotional stability!”
Mock the Daily Reminders
“Day 17: Still breathing. That’s something. Gold star?”
“Don’t forget to cry mindfully today.”
Include Passive-Aggressive Prompts
“Skipped your healing meditation again? Guess someone likes emotional baggage.”
Write the App Store Summary
“Mournify — because grief is better when color-coded and gamified. Now with leaderboard.”
Subscription Tiers
“Free: 1 cry/day.
Premium: Unlimited weeping and downloadable sadness skins.”
Conclusion: Healing, One Click at a Time
Satirizing grief apps works because emotions shouldn’t be monetized, but here we are. Roast the rewards. Skewer the structure. And always end with: “New level reached: Coping (Lite).”
SOURCE: How To Write Comedy
