It’s not gaslighting if Mercury’s in retrograde

People Who Use Astrology As Conflict Resolution

Why take responsibility when the moon can do it for you? Welcome to the world of people who settle disputes with star charts, and break up with “it’s not me, it’s your Saturn return.”

1. They blame every argument on “Mercury retrograde,” even if it’s a flat tire.

2. They broke your laptop and said, “Well, I’m a Leo. We’re impulsive.”

3. They once ended a friendship because their friend’s moon was in Capricorn.

4. They keep a crystal in their glove compartment “for road rage vibes.”

5. They read your birth chart before accepting your apology.

6. They own a deck of “Conflict Resolution Oracle Cards.”

7. They respond to serious complaints with, “That’s just my Scorpio rising.”

8. They send you horoscopes instead of saying sorry.

9. Their therapist is just an app called “Cosmic Calm.”

10. They once said, “Let’s take a break–Venus is combust.”

11. Their group chat is organized by elemental sign: fire signs at the top, air signs muted.

12. They ask, “What time were you born?” mid-argument.

13. They broke up with someone for “projecting Virgo energy” without actually being a Virgo.

14. They suggested a three-way apology ceremony during a full moon.

15. They still owe you money but insist “Jupiter will bring abundance soon.”

SOURCE: How To Write Comedy & SpinTaxi.com