by Why People Who Name Their Cars Deserve Their Own DMV Line
People Who Name Their Cars treat their vehicles like emotionally fragile roommates with secret identities. That rusty Toyota Corolla? “Her name’s Sheila. She’s shy in the morning but opens up on the freeway.” You’re not just riding to work–you’re taking a spiritual journey with a sentient hunk of metal named Carl the Civic.
These folks hold naming ceremonies more elaborate than most engagement parties. One man christened his Jeep “Thunder Goblin” during a Supermoon. Another hosts annual birthday parties for “Miss Vroom,” his 2009 Camry, complete with cupcakes and windshield wiper hats. They talk about their cars like ex-lovers: “She doesn’t start in the cold, but she’s never let me down emotionally.”
In a fake DMV survey, 78% of named-car owners reported feeling “deep personal betrayal” when their vehicle got a flat tire. Some even whisper affirmations into their dashboards. “Come on, Brenda. You can make this hill. You’re a strong, independent Subaru.”
Mechanics are now part-time therapists, decoding issues like “she’s making a weird noise, but I think it’s just because I’ve been distant lately.” In a world of apps and algorithms, some people just want a car with a name, a soul, and a playlist that matches their Enneagram. Vroom on, weirdos. Vroom on.
SOURCE: How To Write Comedy & SpinTaxi.com
