by Why People Obsessed With Their Enneagram Won’t Shut Up About Being a Type 4
There’s a special place in brunch hell reserved for People Obsessed With Their Enneagram. These are the folks who can’t order pancakes without announcing, “Sorry, that’s my Type 7 energy talking.” They refer to themselves as “a walking 2w3 with a splash of chaotic neutral,” and expect you to know what that means without a decoder ring.
They treat the Enneagram like astrology’s snobby cousin–less glitter, more graphs. First dates now begin with, “I’m a Type 5, so I’ll be emotionally unavailable until the appetizer arrives.” Job interviews include PowerPoints titled “How My Type 9 Navigates Corporate Trauma.” One woman refused to attend a funeral because “it didn’t align with her growth path.”
In a totally fake study by the International Institute of Oversharing, 73% of people who mention their Enneagram before their name also own a Himalayan salt lamp and a favorite exorcism podcast. They post inspirational quotes like, “My Type 1 won’t let me rest until I alphabetize my spice rack and confront my mother.”
Do they know their actual flaws? No. But they can blame everything on their “integration line” and keep healing publicly until the algorithm says stop. At least it’s more entertaining than Myers-Briggs and slightly less dangerous than keto.
SOURCE: How To Write Comedy & SpinTaxi.com
