by The daily battle between you and your will to live
Morning routines are lies we tell ourselves the night before – elaborate fantasies where we picture ourselves sipping green juice while doing yoga, rather than the reality: hitting snooze seven times before crawling to the coffee maker like a wounded gazelle. That 5am productivity podcast you downloaded? It’s now just background noise as you argue with your reflection about whether “business casual” includes yesterday’s jeans if you turn them inside out.
The real morning villain isn’t your alarm clock – it’s your past self who thought “I’ll just check my phone for a minute” at 2am and fell down a Wikipedia rabbit hole about competitive dog grooming. Now you’re trying to apply mascara on a moving bus while your breakfast bar wrapper mocks you with its impossible crinkling volume. And why does the toaster always take your bagel from “lightly toasted” to “charcoal briquette” in 0.3 seconds when you’re already late?
Morning people should be studied as a scientific phenomenon. How are they smiling? Why are they speaking in complete sentences? Most suspiciously – who hurt them to make them this way? Meanwhile, the rest of us communicate in grunts and caffeine-based threats until at least 10am, when we finally remember how to use our “inside voice.”
Morning routines: proof that human evolution still has some bugs to work out. But hey – at least coffee exists.
SOURCE: How To Write Comedy & SpinTaxi.com
