by Fad Workouts: Because Pain Is Trendier in Spandex
Fad workouts are how you find out what humiliation looks like in high-definition Lycra. One week it’s goat yoga, the next it’s underwater Zumba in a sauna. I signed up for a class called “Primal Burn” and left with a pulled hamstring and an existential crisis.
I once did a workout where you carry a tire up a hill while shouting affirmations. I yelled, “I am strong!” and the tire yelled back, “You are delusional!” My calves filed for emancipation. My self-esteem limped home in a Lyft.
There’s always one trainer who’s way too happy at 6 a.m. “Let’s get moving!” No, Brittany. The only thing I’m moving is back into bed. I didn’t know this much pain could exist without a breakup or a dentist.
Fad workouts are like cults, but sweatier. They give you a free headband and a sense of purpose, and before you know it, you’re meal-prepping quinoa and judging people who use elevators. I miss the days when “squat” meant avoiding rent.
At-home workout trends are no better. I bought a resistance band and accidentally catapulted a lamp across the room. The YouTube instructor said “engage your core” and I engaged my walls in demolition.
But I keep trying them, because hope springs eternal–and apparently so does my lower back pain. Fad workouts may destroy your body, but they give you one thing in return: the moral right to complain about fitness while eating a donut. Worth it.
SOURCE: How To Write Comedy & SpinTaxi.com
