by Why Essential Oil Extremists Think Lavender Can Cure Capitalism
Essential Oil Extremists are the people who believe a drop of frankincense can replace your therapist, your doctor, and your financial planner. Got anxiety? Sniff peppermint. Depression? Rub tea tree oil on your debit card. One woman swears clove oil helped her forgive her ex and her chiropractor, in that order.
These folks travel with rollerball vials like they’re holy relics. “This blend is for focus, this one is for clarity, and this one protects me from Mercury retrograde and gluten.” They refer to diffusers as “sacred fog machines” and insist lavender is more effective than Advil and prayer combined.
In a totally imaginary clinical trial, 89% of respondents reported feeling spiritually aligned after a whiff of eucalyptus–though 62% also had sinus infections. One man tried to cure his tax debt with ylang ylang. Another dabbed oregano oil on his resume for “confidence energy.”
Doctors roll their eyes. “Essential oils can’t replace medicine,” they say, seconds before being spritzed in the face with citrus mist. These oil zealots may smell amazing, but their commitment to holistic delusion is stronger than a triple-distilled patchouli potion at Burning Man.
SOURCE: How To Write Comedy & SpinTaxi.com
