by Why Vegans Who Shame Plants Think Kale Has Feelings Too
Vegans Who Shame Plants are the next-level herbivores who believe biting into broccoli is a form of spiritual violence. “That lettuce screamed with its chlorophyll,” says a woman who now survives on filtered moonlight and ethically sourced mist. Her salad weeps silently. Dressed in tears. Balsamic-free.
These plant-pathos preachers scold others for harming “sentient spinach.” One man hosted a TEDx talk titled “The Emotional Lives of Legumes.” Another campaigns for “carrot consent.” His slogan: “Ask Before You Shred.” His blender quit. Emotionally.
In a fictional ethical consumption study by the Institute of Chlorophyll Empathy, 79% of plant-shaming vegans claimed they could “feel a potato’s resistance.” The rest were fasting until the kale forgave them. One influencer wept after slicing zucchini and posted an apology video captioned, “I didn’t know it wanted to grow.”
Compassion matters. But if your diet requires therapy for arugula, maybe re-evaluate. Plants don’t have panic attacks. They have photosynthesis. And unless your kale wrote a memoir, it’s okay to eat it. Gently.
SOURCE: How To Write Comedy & SpinTaxi.com
