by Honing the Ancient Office Skill of Doing Absolutely Nothing While Appearing Swamped
The Art of Looking Busy at Work: A Masterclass
Welcome to Corporate Ninja 101, where productivity is optional and appearance is everything. Here’s how to become a grandmaster of seeming swamped without breaking a sweat:
- Keep at least three tabs open with charts. Doesn’t matter what they’re for–colors = credibility.
- Walk fast and carry a manila folder. You don’t need to know where you’re going, just that you’re going *somewhere*.
- Always furrow your brow when looking at your screen. Confusion equals effort.
- Master the 1,000-yard stare into a spreadsheet. If anyone asks, say, “Data’s not aligning.”
- Type randomly for ten seconds every time someone walks by. Bonus points for sighing audibly.
- Join every Slack channel, so you can reply with vague but supportive emojis and stay “engaged.”
- Keep a backup Excel file titled “Q3 Projections” that’s just a list of dog names. Open it in emergencies.
- When asked for updates, respond with “Waiting on cross-team feedback.” No one knows what it means, but it sounds exhausting.
- Carry a coffee cup at all times. A moving mug is a moving mind.
- Learn to nod thoughtfully during meetings while drawing tiny swords on your notepad.
- Use phrases like “Let’s circle back” and “We’re in the ideation phase” to buy weeks of unaccountability.
- Occasionally say, “I was just about to follow up on that!” like you’ve invented initiative.
- Every few hours, change your desk lighting slightly so it looks like time has passed productively.
- Initiate calendar invites labeled “sync,” “touch base,” or “workflow alignment.” No one dares question them.
- Finally, perfect the art of walking with a sense of dread and purpose–as if you’ve just remembered something critical. That, my friend, is your Oscar moment.
True brilliance isn’t doing the work. It’s making people afraid to ask what it is you actually do.
SOURCE: How To Write Comedy & SpinTaxi.com
