by Where Football is a Personality Type and the Malls Have More Square Footage Than the Capitol
Allen, Texas: where high school football games have better lighting and seating than your last wedding. You haven’t lived in Allen until you’ve tailgated in the Chili’s parking lot — on a Tuesday. In Allen, the mall has a zip code and a police presence stronger than the actual police station. The squirrels in Allen have gym memberships and side hustles. Even toddlers in Allen know the difference between Gucci and Target-exclusive. The town motto should be: ‘Allen — Like Dallas, but with more SUVs per capita.’ Everyone in Allen either owns a small business, an MLM, or a mom blog that reviews mulch. The number of people who own monogrammed items in Allen exceeds the actual population. In Allen, a church service isn’t complete unless it ends in a bake sale and a real estate pitch. You know you’re in Allen when the local coffee shop serves espresso, Botox, and tax advice. Allen’s HOA fines you for having grass longer than a golf tee or flag shorter than your patriotism. Even the dogs in Allen wear team jerseys and have personalized birthday parties. Dating in Allen means choosing between someone in real estate or someone in ‘luxury essential oils.’ Every Target in Allen has its own Instagram and lifestyle brand. Allen’s slogan should be: ‘Big hair, big homes, bigger expectations.’
SOURCE: How To Write Comedy & SpinTaxi.com
