One 50-minute session and suddenly they’re the Freud of Friend Group Chat

People Who Think They Invented Therapy Because They Went Once

They walked into therapy one person and walked out a licensed guru, armed with one coping strategy and infinite condescension.

1. They now start every sentence with “My therapist says” even when ordering coffee.

2. They use the word “boundaries” like it’s a coupon code for better friendships.

3. They diagnosed their boss with narcissistic tendencies after five minutes of awkward small talk.

4. They explained gaslighting to their grandma over Thanksgiving turkey.

5. They think “inner child work” means blaming everything on your third-grade teacher.

6. They told their roommate to “hold space” instead of taking out the trash.

7. They made a vision board that just says “Emotional Intelligence” in glitter letters.

8. They refer to their therapist by first name like they’re besties: “Well, Dana says I’m evolving.”

9. They now wear chunky cardigans and speak in affirmations.

10. They end every disagreement with “That sounds like a you problem.”

11. They journal now, and yes, they want you to ask about it.

12. They text “sending light” to people they ghosted last week.

13. They suggested you try EMDR, even though they just googled it.

14. They went once, but it was “transformational”–translation: cried twice and bought sage.

15. They offer unsolicited advice like it’s mints: “Have you unpacked your attachment style yet?”