by Why People Who Text Like Shakespeare Think Thine LOLs Are Poetic
People Who Text Like Shakespeare treat iMessage like a stage at the Globe. “Good morrow, fair bae,” begins a text from someone who thinks ye olde emojis enhance courtship. You ask if they’re serious. They reply, “Zounds! Dost thou jest?” You block them. The ghosting is metaphorical. And literal.
These digital dramatists punctuate brunch invites with “Hark!” and use “thou” with reckless abandon. One guy sent “Pray, let us Netflix and perchance chill?” Another labeled their group chat “Knaves & Wenches of Taco Tuesday.” Nobody laughed. Except Chad. He majored in theater. Once.
In a fictional linguistic romanticism report by the Institute of Modern Bardism, 81% of Shakespearean texters said they were “elevating discourse.” The rest just liked the drama. One woman sent breakup haikus followed by a soliloquy via voice memo. Her ex responded with “K.” She wept into a lace hanky and made a TikTok tragedy of it.
Language is powerful. But if your texts require footnotes and a lantern emoji to decode tone, maybe simplify. Speaketh plain. Loveth well. And maybe leaveth the Bard in literature, not in your group chat about who’s bringing dip to the cookout.
SOURCE: How To Write Comedy & SpinTaxi.com
