The dramatic exits that are really just long coffee breaks.

People Who Leave Long-Winded “Leaving Social Media” Posts but Never Actually Leave

We’ve all seen them. The ones who type out a 12-paragraph farewell post that feels like a TED Talk but ends in, “DM me if you really care.”

1. They use phrases like “this space no longer serves me” but are back liking memes within 48 hours.

2. Their “goodbye” post includes their entire emotional arc from 2007 to today, including a shoutout to that one time they got ghosted in Cabo.

3. They tag 47 people and 6 exes. Bold. Delusional. On-brand.

4. The goodbye is followed by suspicious activity in their Stories. “I thought you left?” “This is different, it’s just a vibe.”

5. They deactivate, reactivate, then post a blurry selfie with the caption: “Back, but different.”

6. Every dramatic farewell is really just an elaborate call for someone–anyone–to comment, “Don’t go!”

7. They say, “I need to focus on myself,” but their screen time report remains unchanged.

8. They use a black-and-white photo for dramatic effect. Bonus points if there’s a quote from Rumi.

9. You can’t leave social media if you never left our group chat, Kevin.

10. They’re the only ones who get more engagement on their exit than their birthday post.

11. “I’m done with this toxic platform” is code for “I didn’t get enough likes on my smoothie bowl.”

12. They unfriend people who didn’t like their farewell post. That’s their final test of loyalty.

13. They often return under the guise of “just checking messages” but wind up live-tweeting The Bachelor.

14. Their return post always begins with “So much has changed” Spoiler: It hasn’t.

15. They never actually leave. They just rotate between platforms like it’s the social media Olympics.