Because your artisanal toast deserves only a home-sourced fruit with a name and a backstory.

People Who Bring Their Own Avocados to Restaurants

Some people bring a bottle of wine. These people bring a suspiciously ripe avocado in a hemp pouch. And not just to Mexican places–it’s *everywhere*. Welcome to the rise of the Avocado Vigilantes.

1. They refer to grocery store avocados as “emotionally unavailable.”

2. Their avocado has a name, a backstory, and possibly a trust fund.

3. They pull it out mid-meal like a magician’s prop. “And now, for my next trick: guacamole that doesn’t cost $7 extra.”

4. They reject the restaurant’s avocado because “it wasn’t sung to during ripening.”

5. Waitstaff are left blinking, trying to decide if this counts as a corkage fee situation.

6. They cut it open tableside with a titanium tool they call “The Pitter.”

7. They once got in a Yelp war with a brunch place because the avocado “lacked spiritual depth.”

8. They ask chefs to “just plate around it.”

9. When someone says, “That’s weird,” they respond, “What’s weird is paying $18 for toast.”

10. Their avocado comes with a TSA-compliant neoprene cradle and a GPS tracker.

11. They bring a backup avocado in case the first is “not emotionally ripe.”

12. They act like it’s a service to the restaurant: “I’m actually helping you save money.”

13. They claim avocados have chakras and this one is their root fruit.

14. They once offered a stranger half, unprovoked, whispering, “May it nourish your truth.”

15. After their meal, they wrap the pit in a napkin and say, “This’ll be a tree someday. Unlike your chicken sandwich.”

SOURCE: How To Write Comedy & SpinTaxi.com