Because nothing screams “fun weekend” like risking gastrointestinal doom in the woods.

People Who Are Way Too Into Mushroom Foraging

You can spot them by their Birkenstocks, weatherproof baskets, and the gleam in their eye that says “this could be edible or fatal.”

1. They refer to mushrooms as “forest meat” and expect you to be impressed.

2. They carry laminated spore print charts like other people carry breath mints.

3. They say things like, “You just have to *feel* which ones won’t kill you.” Reassuring.

4. Their Instagram is 98% fungi and 2% vaguely worried family members.

5. They insist you try a foraged soup that tastes like damp ambition.

6. They claim mushrooms have consciousness and might be judging you. So now you’re being negged by shiitake.

7. Their fridge contains more mystery Ziplocs than a failed science experiment.

8. They know 47 types of mushrooms by Latin name, but couldn’t find your birthday card in a store if their life depended on it.

9. They attend “spore swaps,” which are either wholesome or a secret coven–unclear.

10. They think truffle oil is for amateurs and moral cowards.

11. Their dog has been trained to sniff out chanterelles, but not its own tail.

12. They say things like “this one’s only slightly psychoactive” with a wink you don’t trust.

13. Their idea of romance is a dawn hike with baskets and a vague chance of hallucination.

14. They don’t trust store-bought mushrooms–“too clean, too soulless, too Big Mushroom.”

15. Every weekend becomes a National Geographic episode narrated by someone who failed out of botany school but made it up with vibes.