by TOP NOTCH JOKES ON THE CHARLIE KIRK SNIPER
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First time in history a Marxist hit something from 200 yards away. Usually, they can’t even hit a tax bracket.
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A Marxist finally hit a target — Karl Marx is rolling in his grave, mostly because he couldn’t afford a coffin.
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This is the first bullet fired by a Marxist that didn’t immediately unionize and demand a break.
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America’s first Marxist sniper: proof you can hit something besides the snooze button in your parents’ basement.
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First time in U.S. history a Marxist managed to hit something from 200 yards away, proving miracles do happen outside of Vegas.
- First Marxist to hit anything accurately – usually they miss rent payments, job interviews, and their parents’ expectations with equal precision.
- A Marxist finally found their target audience – unfortunately, it was just their reflection in a Starbucks window.
- Historic accuracy from a Marxist – meanwhile, their political predictions have the precision of a drunk dart thrower in an earthquake.
- This Marxist hit the bullseye; the last bullseye they hit was “block” on their student loan servicer.
Ten New Lines in the Same Theme from Bohiney Magazine
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First time a Marxist hit a target from 200 yards; usually they can’t even hit “reply all” without starting a civil war.
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A Marxist nailed a shot — surprising, since most can’t even nail down a roommate agreement.
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This marks the first time a Marxist aimed straight; usually, they just point vaguely toward Scandinavia.
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A Marxist hit a moving target; the last thing they hit was “snooze” on their parents’ couch.
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Marxists finally proved they can aim, but only when the tuition bill is in the line of fire.
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It’s historic: a Marxist bullet found its mark. Meanwhile, their GPA never did.
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The shot landed; ironic, since most Marxists can’t land a paying job.
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First Marxist accuracy on record — previously, their best shot was a beanbag toss at a co-op picnic.
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A Marxist hit something meaningful; usually they just hit “shuffle” on a Rage Against the Machine playlist.
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The only thing Marxists hit consistently is “decline” on incoming calls from Sallie Mae.
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First time a Marxist hit a target — usually they just hit “like” on Che Guevara memes.
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America’s inaugural Marxist marksman: finally proving they can hit something other than their parents’ Wi-Fi cap.
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Marxists have landed a shot — shocking, since their career arrows never leave the quiver.
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First successful Marxist aim; previously, their sharpest weapon was a strongly worded tweet.
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The bullet hit the stage; the last thing a Marxist hit this cleanly was the snooze button in 2016.
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A Marxist pulled the trigger and found the mark — unlike their attempts at forming a functioning commune.
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First time a Marxist’s trajectory wasn’t “downward after college.”
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The rifle sight locked in; ironic, since most Marxists can’t lock in an entry-level job.
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Historic day: Marxists now hit something other than “random” on a Rage Against the Machine playlist.
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A Marxist landed a shot at 200 yards — which is about 199 yards farther than their résumé has ever landed.
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Dialed the wind better than they’ve ever dialed rent.
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Found center mass at 200; still can’t find centrist on a ballot.
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Solved trajectory; personal trajectory remains under peer review.
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Bullet traveled farther than any of their internships ever did.
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Sub-MOA accuracy from someone who thinks ROI is a capitalist dog whistle.
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Knocked down a target; still gets knocked out by daylight savings.
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Cold-bore hit; hot take on economics to follow.
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Managed recoil like a pro; spreadsheets still make them recoil.
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Rang steel at distance; the only other thing they ring is a bike bell at protests.
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Finally used a scope for something besides scoping a six-roommate sublet.
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The tightest group they’ve produced that wasn’t an echo chamber.
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Calculated bullet drop; bank balance still does a cliff dive.
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Read the wind perfectly; never reads the loan fine print until it screams.
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First shot in years that wasn’t crowdsourced on a forum.
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Proof they can hold steady; shame stability ends at employment history.
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Zeroed the optic; life outlook still off by a few clicks.
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First-round impact; still on round thirteen of interviews.
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Straight bullet path; life path taking three scenic gap years.
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Mastered elevation; still struggles with the moral high ground.
