Loving the Kansas City Chiefs

Football, Barbecue, and Patrick Mahomes: The Holy Trinity

You ever meet someone who says, “I don’t really watch football”? Yeah? That’s great. And I don’t really associate with terrorists. We all make choices.

I’m from Kansas City, and let me tell you something—if you don’t love the Chiefs, they put your face on a wanted poster at every Gates BBQ. They don’t kick you out, but they do make you eat coleslaw, and we all know that’s just shredded sadness.

Kansas City is football country. If you’re born in KC, they don’t slap you on the butt when you come out—they wrap you in a tiny red blanket and whisper, “We had Joe Montana for like five minutes.” And that’s how you know you’re home.

Patrick Mahomes: The Messiah With a Kermit Voice

Listen, I love Patrick Mahomes. Love him. But let’s be honest—he sounds like Kermit the Frog doing impressions of himself. “It’s great to be here today, guys. Uh, you know, uh, we just tried to go out there and execute, uh, football is fun.”

I swear, he could call a play at the line of scrimmage, and the opposing defense would just pause and go, “Wait… did Kermit just tell us to blitz?”

And yet, we hang on his every word like he’s Shakespeare. “We gotta go out there and just play the game.” Oh my God. That’s poetry, Pat. That’s beautiful.

Andy Reid: The Cheeseburger Philosopher

Andy Reid is the only coach in the NFL who could get away with calling a timeout for a snack break. And the refs would be like, “Yeah, no, that’s fair. Man’s hungry.”

You ever see him talk about cheeseburgers? He doesn’t just eat cheeseburgers, he experiences them like a sommelier experiences fine wine.

“Mmm, this cheeseburger’s got good balance. Nice sesame seed distribution. Oh yeah, that’s a top-five cheeseburger right there.”

The man wears a face shield like he’s working with hazardous materials. I love him. He’s the only guy who could win three Super Bowls and still be more excited about getting a punch card full at Five Guys.

Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift: America’s Royal Couple

You ever realize Travis Kelce is just a Golden Retriever that can run a perfect post route?

The dude has never walked into a room without dapping somebody up. Just pure “Yo what’s good, fam?” energy at all times. And now he’s dating Taylor Swift? This man went from catching touchdowns to catching the attention of 12-year-old girls everywhere.

My mom calls me now just to ask, “What do you think Taylor is wearing to the game this weekend?” I don’t know, Mom, I’m too busy panicking about third downs!

But Swifties… Swifties are different. Chiefs fans are passionate, but Swifties? These people are trained assassins. I saw one girl calculate the trajectory of Taylor’s private jet in real time just to prove she was in Kansas City for the game.

And if Kelce ever breaks up with her? Oh my God. Kansas City will not survive the wrath of Taylor Swift. She will write a diss album so powerful it will legally dissolve the franchise.

The album would be called RED: The Chiefs Edition, and the lead single would be “You Belong With Me (Unless You’re Playing Cover 2).”

Arrowhead Stadium: The Vatican of Football

I took my buddy to Arrowhead for the first time, and he goes, “Wow, this is the loudest stadium I’ve ever been in.”

Buddy, this isn’t just a stadium, this is THE stadium. Arrowhead is where God watches football on Sundays.

If you don’t leave a game half-deaf and covered in barbecue sauce, were you even really there?

They say Arrowhead is the loudest stadium in the world. That’s not a joke. One time, we hit 142 decibels during a game against the Patriots. That’s louder than a jet engine.

I don’t know how we don’t just permanently damage every quarterback that visits.

Patrick Mahomes must be so spoiled by our fans. Imagine playing here every week and then going on the road, where the opposing team’s fans are golf-clapping like it’s a wine tasting.

Loving the Chiefs Is a Lifetime Contract

Look, being a Chiefs fan isn’t just about watching football—it’s a full-time job.

The season ends? Nope. You still gotta argue about free agency, draft picks, why we don’t run the ball enough, and whether or not Tom Brady was an inside job.

You don’t retire from being a Chiefs fan. Even when I die, I want my ashes spread over Arrowhead. Preferably mid-game during a third-and-long.

If they won’t let me do that, fine. Just put my urn in Andy Reid’s cheeseburger bag. At least then, I know I’ll always be part of something legendary.

Now Let’s Go Win Another Super Bowl!

Go Chiefs, baby! And remember: if you don’t love the Chiefs, you don’t love happiness.