by The Dallas Cowboys Are Hiring a New Head Coach—Because That’s Definitely the Problem
By Rusty Fieldgoal, Senior Disappointed Cowboys Correspondent
A Bold New Era of the Same Old Thing
DALLAS, TX—In what has become as predictable as a Texas summer heatwave, the Dallas Cowboys are once again searching for a new head coach. This latest move comes after yet another season that began with Super Bowl dreams and ended with Cowboys fans practicing deep-breathing exercises to cope with the annual playoff meltdown.
“This is the change we needed,” said Cowboys owner and forever general manager Jerry Jones, a man who has had more head coaches than most people have houseplants. “We’ve got the talent, we’ve got the facilities, we’ve got the biggest fan base—now, all we need is a new guy on the sideline to stand there and look frustrated while I call the shots.”
To be clear, the Cowboys’ coaching strategy follows a strict pattern: fire the current guy, replace him with someone promising, give him a roster filled with hype and high expectations, let him fail under immense pressure, fire him, rinse, repeat. It’s basically The Bachelor but with less emotional stability and more questionable fourth-down decisions.
A Coaching Carousel That Spins Faster Than Dak Prescott’s Playoff Exit
Since their last Super Bowl win in 1996, the Cowboys have cycled through eight head coaches. That’s eight different men who have been tasked with leading “America’s Team” back to glory, only to be discarded like an expired brisket the moment things didn’t go exactly to plan.
“Being the Cowboys’ head coach is like being a Hollywood director on a Jerry Bruckheimer movie,” said ESPN analyst Dan Orlovsky. “No matter what you do, Jerry Jones is gonna walk in, change the script, and still take all the credit when it makes money.”
Consider some of the previous candidates:
- Jason Garrett (2010-2019) – The clapping legend. Kept his job for a decade despite specializing in winning just enough to not get fired.
- Wade Phillips (2007-2010) – A defensive guru whose biggest contribution was keeping his job warm for Garrett.
- Bill Parcells (2003-2006) – A Hall of Fame coach who thought he could change the culture. Instead, the culture changed him.
- Dave Campo (2000-2002) – Remember him? Yeah, neither do most Cowboys fans.
Each coach has faced the same problem: a roster stacked with Pro Bowl talent and just enough playoff meltdowns to make fans question their loyalty every January.
Jerry Jones: The Real Head Coach Since 1989
Let’s be honest—hiring a head coach for the Cowboys is like giving a toddler a steering wheel in the backseat and telling them they’re driving. Jerry Jones runs the team, makes the decisions, and occasionally lets the head coach pretend he has control—right up until he disagrees with him.
NFL reporter Adam Schefter put it best: “Whoever takes this job isn’t just coaching a team, they’re co-starring in ‘The Jerry Jones Show’—a never-ending drama where Jerry plays owner, GM, coach, and, occasionally, medical expert when diagnosing Dak Prescott’s injuries.”
This control isn’t lost on players, either. An anonymous former Cowboys player (definitely not Dez Bryant) explained, “Man, you don’t coach the Cowboys. You just manage the Cowboys. Jerry makes all the calls, and if you say something he doesn’t like, suddenly you’re coaching high school football in El Paso.”
Jones, for his part, remains completely unaware that he might be part of the problem. “I don’t think of myself as a hands-on owner,” he said in a recent press conference while sitting inside a holographic simulation of himself that will one day take over team operations when technology catches up.
The Endless Cycle of ‘This Time Will Be Different’
Cowboys fans are, without a doubt, some of the most loyal—and most delusional—in sports. Every coaching hire is met with the same level of excitement, as if this will finally be the guy to bring back the Lombardi Trophy.
“It’s like when my cousin keeps getting back together with his ex,” said local Cowboys fan Ricky Thompson. “Every time he swears she’s changed. But by Thanksgiving, he’s sitting alone in a Chili’s parking lot listening to sad country songs.”
Statistics don’t lie, either. Since 2000, the Cowboys have won just four playoff games—one fewer than the Detroit Lions, a team that until recently was the NFL’s equivalent of a tax write-off. Yet, every offseason, Cowboys fans continue to convince themselves that next year is their year.
Famous Last Words: “If We Just Get the Right Coach…”
Every team blames coaching to some degree, but with the Cowboys, it has become a full-time excuse factory. Jerry Jones’ version of accountability is essentially saying, “We’ve fired the coach, so we’ve solved the problem.” It’s a masterclass in denial, like blaming the bartender for your bad decisions at a bachelor party.
“The Cowboys hiring a new head coach is like my grandma switching WiFi providers—same slow connection, just a new guy to blame.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“The Cowboys keep firing coaches like a guy who keeps switching barbers, thinking it’ll fix his ugly haircut.” — Ron White
“Jerry Jones hiring a new coach is like my uncle buying a treadmill—looks great at first, but we all know it’s just for show.” — Bill Burr
The Candidates: Who Wants to Be the Next Scapegoat?
A new coaching search means it’s time for the annual parade of names linked to the Cowboys job—some real, some absolutely insane, and all destined for disappointment.
The rumored list includes:
- Bill Belichick – Because nothing says ‘America’s Team’ like hiring the guy best known for Spygate.
- Jim Harbaugh – He once led the 49ers to a Super Bowl, but does he have the patience to deal with Jerry Jones calling plays from his yacht?
- Sean Payton – The dream hire. Unfortunately, Payton knows better than to give up his cushy TV gig for this mess.
- Deion Sanders – Because why not? Prime Time already coached Colorado, so he’s used to managing sky-high expectations and letting his quarterbacks run for their lives.
Whoever gets the job will be introduced with the usual fanfare—a press conference, an emotional speech about how honored they are, and a promise to bring discipline and structure to the Cowboys locker room. Then, by midseason, we’ll all be watching sideline footage of them staring into the distance while Jerry Jones paces behind them like a nervous wedding planner.
America’s Team? More Like America’s Soap Opera
For the last two decades, the Cowboys have been less of a football powerhouse and more of a reality TV franchise. Every season follows the same script:
- Preseason: Super Bowl expectations are through the roof!
- Regular Season: They look good! Could this be the year?
- Playoffs: And just like that… it’s over.
- Offseason: Fire the coach. Change nothing else.
“Coaching the Cowboys is the only job where you can win 12 games and still get fired for not meeting ‘America’s Team’ standards. America’s Team? More like America’s Soap Opera.” — John Mulaney
At this point, hiring a new coach isn’t about fixing the team—it’s just tradition. The Cowboys don’t need a new coach. They need an exorcist, a therapist, and maybe a time machine to 1996.
Final Thoughts: Meet the Next Fall Guy
So, as the Cowboys prepare to introduce their next sacrificial lamb, fans will convince themselves once again that this time will be different. But deep down, they know the truth. This isn’t about the coach. It’s about Jerry Jones, playoff collapses, and a franchise that refuses to evolve.
And yet, come September, AT&T Stadium will be packed, Cowboys fans will be dreaming of another Super Bowl run, and the cycle will continue. Because, as any Cowboys fan will tell you—there’s always next year.
FANS ON THE DALLAS COWBOYS
- The Dallas Cowboys are hiring a new head coach… because clearly, the last 27 years of playoff disappointments were just a coaching issue.
- The Cowboys’ hiring process is like a rebooted TV show—every few years, same script, different cast, still no Super Bowl.
- The new Cowboys head coach is basically a substitute teacher—they show up, try to fix things, and by December, the students (players) run the classroom.
- Hiring a new coach for the Cowboys is like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic—looks good for a minute, but we all know where this is going.
- The Cowboys could hire Vince Lombardi, Bill Belichick, or a football AI program developed by NASA, and they’d still lose in the divisional round.
- Every Cowboys coaching hire is like a New Year’s resolution—full of promise in January, completely abandoned by February.
- Cowboys fans react to every coaching change like it’s a miracle cure… only to realize they’re just changing bandages on a broken leg.
- Jerry Jones hiring a new coach is like a guy buying a fancy new car but refusing to stop driving it into ditches.
- The Cowboys treat head coaches like smartphones—there’s a new one every few years, and somehow, it still can’t complete important calls.
- A new Cowboys head coach is basically a temporary roommate in Jerry Jones’ house—makes a lot of noise at first, but everyone knows who’s really in charge.
- The Cowboys hire coaches the way people buy gym memberships—fully committed in January, pretending it never happened by April.
- The Cowboys’ coaching job is like the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor in Harry Potter—every year, someone new takes over, and every year, something goes terribly wrong.
- Coaching the Cowboys is the only job where you can win 12 games and still be fired because you didn’t “win the right way.”
- Cowboys fans get excited about new coaches like kids get excited about a substitute teacher—until they realize the same rules still apply, and they’re not getting recess early.
- The Cowboys’ next head coach is just the latest contestant in Jerry Jones’ reality show: America’s Next Fired Coach.
COMEDIANS ON THE DALLAS COWBOYS
- “The Cowboys hiring a new head coach is like my grandma switching WiFi providers—same slow connection, just a new guy to blame.” — Jerry Seinfeld
- “The Cowboys keep firing coaches like a guy who keeps switching barbers, thinking it’ll fix his ugly haircut.” — Ron White
- “Jerry Jones hiring a new coach is like my uncle buying a treadmill—looks great at first, but we all know it’s just for show.” — Bill Burr
- “Coaching the Cowboys is the only job where you can win 12 games and still get fired for not meeting ‘America’s Team’ standards. America’s Team? More like America’s Soap Opera.” — John Mulaney
- “The Cowboys head coaching job is basically an NFL rental car—fun for a season, but you don’t wanna be the one paying for the damage.” — Dave Chappelle
DALLAS COWBOYS IMAGE GALLERY
Originally posted 2021-06-17 13:24:14.
