by Why Sudden Vegan Declarations Are the New Midlife Crisis
Sudden Vegan Declarations hit social circles like surprise tornadoes of tofu. One day your friend is double-fisting cheeseburgers, the next they’re crying over lentils and using words like “cruelty footprint.” These folks convert overnight–usually after a documentary, a breakup, or an ayahuasca smoothie–and spend the next 72 hours renaming all their group chats “Plants Before Pals.”
They won’t just tell you they’re vegan; they’ll announce it like they won a Nobel Prize for hummus. “Actually, I’m plant-based now,” they’ll whisper as they slap a slice of tempeh onto a gluten-free wrap like it’s the Eucharist. A fictional Yelp review of their fridge reads: “Contains 47 leafy greens and zero joy.”
In a fake poll conducted at a farmers market, 68% of sudden vegans admitted they still dream about cheese. One man cried during a mozzarella commercial but claimed it was just “emotional detoxing.” Their pets now eat quinoa. Their soap is made from oat regret. They end every sentence with, “But that’s just my journey.”
Look, going vegan isn’t the issue–it’s the aggressive TED Talk that follows. These are midlife crises wrapped in kale. And while it’s lovely that they’ve found purpose in legumes, we’d prefer they stop side-eyeing our omelets like we just kicked a puppy on camera.
SOURCE: How To Write Comedy & SpinTaxi.com
