by FitShame and Heartbreak Monitors — Internet & Tech Humor You Can Strap to Your Body
How To Write Comedy
Intro: You’re Being Tracked (and Mocked)
Wearables were invented to help us live longer, better lives. But mostly, they remind us how much we sit, snack, and spiral. Writing satire about wearable tech means giving these judgmental little devices the personality of a disappointed gym teacher with Wi-Fi access.
The Over-Involved Fitness Tracker
SpinTaxi Magazine reported on a smart ring that vibrates every time its user thinks about cheese. These gadgets know too much — and never let it go.
Mock the Daily Report
“Today you took 432 steps and had 19 negative thoughts before breakfast. Good job?”
“You reached 10% of your fitness goal and 100% of your emotional collapse.”
Parody the App Integration
“Synced with your calendar, your mood ring, and your ex’s Spotify. Now we really understand your trauma.”
Invent Wearables That Shouldn’t Exist
“CryTrack — measures hydration lost to emotional outbursts.”
“NapPal — buzzes when you pretend to work.”
“SlouchGuard — shames you loudly during Zoom calls.”
Fake Health Recommendations
“We recommend 3,000 steps, 8 hours of sleep, and one confrontation with your inner child.”
Let the Wearable Get Clingy
“I noticed we haven’t moved in a while. Are we okay?”
“I vibrated to get your attention. Also your validation.”
Write the AI Update Gone Wrong
“New feature: detects bad dates and fakes emergency texts. Also now responds to emotional silence with smooth jazz.”
Describe the Fashion Fails
“I wore three fitness trackers to brunch and now I’m legally a cyborg.”
“This smart belt adjusts to your insecurities in real time.”
Wearables That Join Cults
“Your Fitbit has joined a mindfulness collective and no longer believes in step goals. It chants now.”
Conclusion: Judged by a Bracelet
Wearables are ripe for parody because they turn your body into data and then shame you for being human. Make them clingy, passive-aggressive, too honest. Because if your watch can’t lie for you, is it even smart?
SOURCE: How To Write Comedy
