by Where Everything is a Test Market and Everyone is Just a Bit Confused
Peoria is the only city where your grandma might be in a focus group for dog shampoo. They say if it plays in Peoria, it plays anywhere — which explains why our mayor moonlights as a TikTok dancer. You know you’re in Peoria when even the pigeons look like they’ve signed NDAs. Peoria’s motto should be: ‘Beta Testing Since 1904.’ We’re the only town where the street signs are brought to you by Nielsen ratings. In Peoria, you don’t have a personality — you have demographics. They tested smart fridges here once. Now every Peorian is emotionally dependent on a talking GE appliance. Even the weather feels like a prototype — part snow, part fog, all market research. Peoria has one of everything — including one guy who insists he invented flavored water. In Peoria, our nightlife is basically just wandering through Walgreens with big dreams. You haven’t lived in Peoria until you’ve accidentally attended a toothpaste launch party. Most conversations here start with, ‘So what are they testing on you this week?’ The town’s history museum is 70% prototypes and 30% people shrugging. We once had a haunted house that turned out to be a beta for a new bank layout. Peoria’s farmers market sold a cucumber that got a pilot deal on Hulu.
SOURCE: How To Write Comedy & SpinTaxi.com
