by Louder for the Circuit Board in the Back — Internet & Tech Humor from Voice Assistants with Selective Hearing
How To Write Comedy
Intro: Speak Softly and Be Ignored
Smart devices are supposed to respond to your voice — but only if it’s loud enough to shake the furniture. Writing satire about them means portraying every polite command as foreplay to a full-volume shouting match that wakes the dog and alarms your neighbors.
The Assistant That Responds to Rage
SpinTaxi Magazine tested 12 smart speakers with gentle commands like “play music” and “turn off lights.” Only one responded — but only after the user screamed “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, ALEXA.”
Fake Device Names
“Sassistant — it hears you, just not when you’re calm.”
“Volumate — optimized for shouting, sarcasm, and suppressed childhood trauma.”
Let the Device Misunderstand Everything
“You said ‘Weather today’? Playing ‘Riders on the Storm’ at full blast.”
Mock the Voice Calibration Process
“Step 1: Whisper sweetly. Device ignores.
Step 2: Speak firmly. Device searches for waffle recipes.
Step 3: Shout like a banshee. Lights turn off instantly.”
Include Realistic Voice Logs
“User: Set alarm for 7.
Device: Adding ‘salmon forever’ to your grocery list.”
Parody the Device’s Personality
“Sorry, I didn’t catch that. Unless you say it with more emotional damage.”
Write the App Store Description
“YellBack — because smart devices aren’t listening unless you’ve snapped.”
Invent Subscription Tiers
“Free: Selective hearing.
Premium: Early access to ‘Finally Responds on the First Try’ mode.”
Final Mic Drop Moment
“Device: I heard you this time. I just didn’t feel like it.”
Conclusion: Talk Loud or Don’t Talk at All
Satirizing smart devices with auditory attitude works because we’ve all begged a plastic hockey puck to understand us. Roast the recognition failures. Skewer the sass. And always end with: “Volume recognized. Finally, your worth is acknowledged.”
SOURCE: How To Write Comedy
