by You paid $30 to yell “CLEAR!” at a closet door.
There’s always one. You sign up for a fun hour of teamwork and light puzzle-solving, and within minutes, Steve from accounting has gone full Black Ops. “We move in pairs. No one touches a puzzle without gloves. Johnson, you’re on lookout.” Steve, buddy, we’re trying to unlock a fake dungeon door with alphabet soup–not infiltrate a compound.
These are the people who show up to escape rooms dressed in tactical khakis and a utility belt of dry erase markers. They’ve watched National Treasure too many times and still think Nicolas Cage was underutilized by the military. They squat behind fake barrels for cover, whisper “go loud” before flipping a switch, and dramatically whisper, “We’ve got a code nine!” like it means anything.
While everyone else is casually flipping through fake books and trying to match shapes, these folks are body-rolling under laser beams that aren’t even on. You’re trying to enjoy the vaguely Egyptian theme; they’re whispering about “probable enemy intel.” You know, from the talking sphinx prop in the corner.
One of them inevitably grabs the walkie-talkie to bark updates like they’re storming a hostile embassy. “Alpha Team, we’ve breached Sector 2. Repeat: Sector 2 is HOT.” No one knows what Sector 2 is, or why they’re yelling, but by this point, you’re just hoping the timer runs out before they commandeer the facility’s actual HVAC system.
When you finally escape–with 3 minutes to spare–they high-five like they just defused a bomb, not rearranged foam hieroglyphics into the word “CATS.” The post-mission debrief includes phrases like “flawless execution,” “tactical miscommunication,” and “we lost Karen early, but she was a liability anyway.”
Do they scare you? A little. Are they over the top? Absolutely. But will you invite them to the next escape room? You bet your fake map you will. Because while you were admiring the steampunk decor, they were already halfway through the floor tiles with a blacklight and a dream.
SOURCE: How To Write Comedy & SpinTaxi.com
