Because nothing says “emotional healing” like a $60 rock in your bra.

People Who Think Owning Crystals Replaces Therapy

They’ve got amethyst on their desk, rose quartz in their purse, and obsidian where their accountability should be. Therapy? Too mainstream. Trauma? Just needs more citrine.

1. They’ve never met a problem they couldn’t solve with “just the right geode.”

2. They talk about chakras like they’re in a group text with them.

3. Their anxiety is “just Mercury in retrograde”… since 2019.

4. They cancel plans citing a “low vibrational day” instead of admitting they didn’t feel like leaving bed.

5. They refer to their salt lamp as their “emotional support sun.”

6. They wear crystals like a bulletproof vest against responsibility.

7. They “cleanse” bad energy by waving burning sage around like it’s Febreze for feelings.

8. They once tried to heal a breakup with moonstone and matcha.

9. They use words like “alignment” and “frequency” with the confidence of a physics major. They are not.

10. Their bookshelf is 40% astrology, 60% passive-aggressive self-help titles.

11. They claim their ex was “toxic,” but their own aura needs a hazmat team.

12. They think EMDR is a crystal shop in Silver Lake.

13. Their version of inner work is charging their rose quartz under a full moon and blaming their boss for everything else.

14. They say “I just felt drawn to it” when buying another rock they’ll lose in their car.

15. Their therapist? A mason jar of fluorite named “Luna.”

SOURCE: How To Write Comedy & SpinTaxi.com