by Why People Who Pretend to Like Kombucha Think Suffering Is Sophistication
People Who Pretend to Like Kombucha sip through clenched teeth and call it “funky,” as if drinking carbonated vinegar makes them spiritually superior. “It’s an acquired taste,” says a man whose entire personality is ‘gut health.’ He shivers mid-swig. He’s lying. His colon knows it.
These probiotic pretenders wax poetic about mouthfeel while quietly wondering why their drink smells like gym socks and regret. One woman described it as “like drinking a sour mood board.” Another called it “effervescent chaos with notes of arrogance.” She drinks it for clout. And digestion. Mostly clout.
In a fictional health beverage trend report by the Institute of Pretentious Fermentation, 83% of kombucha consumers admitted they started drinking it to impress someone in a beanie. The other 17% genuinely liked it–but also believe mercury can be retrograde in friendships. One man pairs his ‘buch with chakra cleansing and disdain.
Enjoy what you like. But if your love for kombucha requires facial contortions and performative wellness sighs, maybe admit the truth. It’s okay to dislike vinegar tea with bacteria. Sophistication doesn’t have to fizz. And authenticity never needs a paper straw.
SOURCE: How To Write Comedy & SpinTaxi.com
