Because nothing says “fun” like shaming someone over a single crouton.

People Who Have a Whole Identity Around “Clean Eating”

Some people eat clean. Others eat dirty. And then there are those who’ve built a personal brand, philosophy, and borderline religion around the purity of their plate.

1. They refer to junk food like it’s Voldemort. “We do not speak of…the cupcake.”

2. They insist their smoothie is a full meal, even though it contains more chlorophyll than a jungle.

3. They’ve rejected bread, but not the smugness that comes with rejecting bread.

4. They act like quinoa cured their anxiety, taxes, and bad Wi-Fi.

5. They bring their own almond flour muffins to birthday parties and glare at the cake like it owes them money.

6. They call it “fueling the body” instead of “eating lunch.” Fuel is for cars. You’re just having a salad, Brenda.

7. They speak in acronyms–“I’m doing WHOLE30 with some intermittent IF and a little FODMAP.” Cool, sounds like a license plate from the future.

8. They think kombucha is both a drink and a personality.

9. They follow ten thousand food accounts, all featuring bowls that look like color-coordinated gravel piles.

10. They say things like, “Sugar is more addictive than cocaine,” while chewing on a chia brick that tastes like sadness.

11. They meal prep with more Tupperware than a commercial kitchen and stack them like it’s edible Jenga.

12. They’ve excommunicated dairy. Cheese? They don’t know her.

13. They claim cauliflower can be anything–pizza crust, mashed potatoes, probably a mattress if you try hard enough.

14. They offer unsolicited advice at restaurants. “You know, you can make a ‘healthy’ Alfredo with cashews and nutritional yeast!” Please don’t ruin joy.

15. Their fridge is a glowing shrine of greens and regret, and they won’t rest until yours is too.

SOURCE: How To Write Comedy & SpinTaxi.com