by Why People Who Can’t Whisper Are a Threat to National Secrets
People Who Can’t Whisper are the human equivalent of someone trying to sneak into a room while playing a trumpet. They lean in dramatically, cup their hands like they’re hiding nuclear codes, and then unleash a full-volume “IS SHE PREGNANT OR JUST BLOATED?” in the middle of a funeral. Their idea of discretion is yelling with punctuation.
These whisper-challenged individuals appear in libraries, movie theaters, and doctor’s offices–anywhere silence is golden and they are a malfunctioning foghorn. One woman leaned over during a wedding and stage-whispered, “I give it six months,” loud enough to toast with. A man in a museum whispered his entire 7th grade history project while a docent wept quietly in the corner.
In a fictional audio study conducted at a coffee shop, 87% of faux-whispers were measured at volumes equivalent to mild shouting or public karaoke. The remaining 13% were people who believe whispering is a government conspiracy to control vocal cords.
Despite countless shushing attempts, these folks never improve. They just look hurt and say, “I AM whispering,” while projecting like an off-Broadway understudy. Subtlety may be lost on them, but one thing’s clear: if your secret is within earshot, it’s about to become community property.
SOURCE: How To Write Comedy & SpinTaxi.com
