Confusing planets and sports drinks since astrology went viral.

People Who Believe “Mercury in Gatorade” Is a Legit Crisis

We all know someone who, upon stubbing their toe or dropping their oat milk latte, looks to the heavens and declares, “Ugh, Mercury is in Gatorade again.”

1. They don’t know what Mercury is, but they know it’s definitely ruining their Wi-Fi.

2. They confuse celestial events with electrolyte beverages and nobody corrects them because it’s kind of hilarious.

3. To them, Mercury being retrograde is the cosmic equivalent of an “out of office” email from the universe.

4. They truly believe their ex texting them is an act of planetary sabotage, not just desperation and boredom.

5. “Mercury in Gatorade” is their scapegoat for missed deadlines, bad haircuts, and drunk texts.

6. They wear crystals in their bras and blame the moon for their parking tickets.

7. They refuse to sign contracts during retrograde, but they’ll Venmo a stranger for homemade CBD foot balm.

8. They pronounce “natal chart” like it’s a board game and “rising sign” like it’s a medical condition.

9. When asked what Mercury actually rules, they mutter “communication and vibes, obviously.”

10. Every personal failure is a spiritual mugging by Saturn or a rogue Pisces moon.

11. They post IG stories like, “Mercury’s in Gatorade, protect your energy!” while using five filters and a glitter font.

12. They won’t date a Gemini, but they will marry someone they met at a sound bath in Joshua Tree.

13. If the planets align, they still won’t be on time.

14. They’ve never owned a telescope but have 47 astrology apps and two tarot decks.

15. “Mercury in Gatorade” is their spiritual Y2K–and they’re always stocking up on sage and iced coffee.

SOURCE: How To Write Comedy & SpinTaxi.com