by Observations on awkward first dates…
1. “So, what do you do?” is code for “Do you have dental insurance?”
No one really wants to know what you do. They want to know if you do it legally, and if your job comes with enough health benefits to one day survive meeting their parents.
2. The waiter becomes your therapist.
He doesn’t want to hear your problems, but he now knows your ex’s name, your favorite pasta, and your shared disdain for cilantro. He’s just trying to get through his shift, and you’re emotionally bleeding on the breadsticks.
3. Splitting the bill is like negotiating the Treaty of Versailles.
“Oh, I’ll cover the drinks!” “No, no, I got dessert!” “Well, I had one shrimp off your plate, so let me Venmo you 83 cents.”
Just kiss already or never see each other again.
4. The moment they say “My mom says I’m a catch.”
Oh good, I’m dating someone who needs a matriarchal Yelp review to feel emotionally validated.
5. Allergies are sexier than ever.
There’s something deeply vulnerable about someone whispering, “I can’t eat peanuts or I die.”
Nothing says “romantic spark” like an EpiPen and mild panic.
6. Someone always brings up astrology… and it’s never the one you expect.
“I just don’t date Scorpios” — said by a man who stole the salt shaker and thinks recycling is a conspiracy.
7. The bathroom trip becomes your moment of clarity.
You look in the mirror and whisper, “Abort mission.”
Meanwhile, they’re texting their group chat: “He wore Crocs. On a date.”
8. Silence isn’t golden. It’s a hostage negotiation.
You both stare at the menu like it’s a Sudoku puzzle.
One of you fakes a laugh just to keep the vibe alive.
The vibe died 14 minutes ago.
9. You learn way too much about their dog.
“I trained Barkley to poop on command!”
That’s great, but does Barkley also know how to not be in 40% of your Tinder photos?
10. The phrase “my podcast” is an immediate red flag.
If he says “Let me send you a link,” run. You’re not dating a man, you’re beta testing his ego.
11. One of you will inevitably say “This isn’t normally how I am.”
Translation: “This is exactly how I am. But I want you to think otherwise until you’re too emotionally invested to leave.”
12. You both pretend to love the same obscure TV show.
“Oh my God, you love Murder Sausages: Vienna Files too?”
Neither of you has seen it. You’re just vibing out of desperation.
13. Someone makes a joke about being “bad at dating.”
Which is ironic because you’re both currently proving it.
14. The check arrives like the Grim Reaper in a tuxedo.
It’s the moment of truth. Will he pay? Will she offer? Will you both silently stare at it like it’s an unopened STD test?
15. You hug goodbye… and your noses touch.
Then you both go for the same cheek. Then the other cheek. Now you’ve kissed their ear, bumped foreheads, and whispered “Ow.”
True romance.
