by Why Emotional Support Baguettes Are Just Crumbs With Codependency
Emotional Support Baguettes are the flaky, gluten-filled companions for those who find therapy too expensive and stuffed animals too cliché. “I just feel safer with a baguette in my arms,” says a woman cradling a sourdough like a newborn. She named it Crustopher. He’s enrolled in breathwork class.
These carbohydrate confidants ride shotgun, attend yoga, and get their own blankets. One man swaddled his multigrain loaf and whispered affirmations into its crust. Another demanded her croissant be exempt from TSA scans due to “its therapeutic crumb alignment.” It was not. It flaked under pressure.
In a fictional comfort carb study from the Institute of Gluten-Based Grounding, 81% of respondents said holding bread reduced their anxiety. The rest were caught crying in bakeries, whispering “You’re enough” to brioche. One influencer started a wellness brand selling “spiritually fermented loaves.” Her flagship product: Chakra Ciabatta.
Self-soothing is key, but if your emotional stability hinges on a baguette with a name tag, maybe reassess. Bread goes stale. Emotions ferment. And while carbs can fill a hole, they probably shouldn’t attend therapy in your place. Unless, of course, they bring their own couch and a tiny scarf.
SOURCE: How To Write Comedy & SpinTaxi.com
