Because nothing wards off negativity quite like a pocket of sweaty quartz.

People Who Carry Crystals in Their Bra and Call It “Energy Armor”

These are the warriors of the woo-woo realm, armed with tiny polished rocks and an unwavering belief that stuffing a chunk of amethyst into your underwire is the path to enlightenment.

1. They refer to their boobs as “chakra pockets.”

2. They warn you that your “vibe is messing with their rose quartz.”

3. TSA agents now assume every bra is a metaphysical weapons cache.

4. They wear bras not for support, but for spiritual scaffolding.

5. “I can’t hang out today, my moonstone is charging” is an actual sentence they say.

6. They believe fluorite will deflect WiFi. Meanwhile, their phone is at 3% from constant scrolling.

7. Their cleavage is basically a crystal terrarium at this point.

8. They believe their obsidian chunk “protects them from their boss’s energy.”

9. They don’t wear deodorant, but their hematite absorbs “toxic vibes and pit sweat.”

10. Their love life is dictated by where their carnelian sits–left cup for passion, right for clarity.

11. They cleanse their crystals under the full moon, which also doubles as boob airing night.

12. “My bra just told me you’re an Aries. With unresolved tension.”

13. Their laundry is sorted by fabric and frequency.

14. They claim their jade keeps their heart chakra open. And their sports bra permanently stretched.

15. They’ve started a side hustle called “Boob Balance,” and yes, it’s a subscription box.

SOURCE: How To Write Comedy & SpinTaxi.com