New Study Finds That 100% of Studies Are Inconclusive

A study found that eating eggs is good for you—unless you read last week’s study.
Scientists confirmed that coffee is healthy… until next month.
The only consistent health advice? “Maybe just drink some water.”
A team of researchers spent years determining that more research is needed.
“The science is settled,” said scientists who immediately launched another study.
The study on inconclusive studies was itself inconclusive.
The authors concluded, “The data suggests… uhh… you figure it out.”
The study recommended “more funding” as the only solution.
A spokesperson clarified, “We are 95% confident that we are 60% sure about this.”
The study confirmed that studying things makes people uncertain about things.
Nutrition experts responded with, “We told you all to just eat dirt years ago.”
Scientists announced a follow-up study, which was immediately labeled “subject to change.”
Meanwhile, social media influencers are still convinced that celery juice cures everything.
A new meta-study revealed that reading studies is actually bad for your health.
The conclusion? “Live your life, but don’t blame us.”

Originally posted 2022-01-28 15:43:29.